I think it’s important that we are constantly aware of that fact; because in that awareness should lie the motivation to live each day to the fullest, give it all we have, love with all our hearts, and then put our heads on our pillows at night able to look back on the day with satisfaction, joy, and gratitude.

Today is Wednesday, and according to my original “blog plan”, this is supposed to be Information Junkie Day.  Although having an Information Junkie Day seems rather trivial considering the mass destruction we’ve recently seen and the threats of a nuclear disaster on the horizon, there is something a tad comforting about continuing to live our lives as normally as possible.  Not that we aren’t concerned and aren’t filled with sympathy and empathy for those who are suffering, but if they have to put one foot in front of another to get through their day, it should be easy for us.  As we offer up prayers and perhaps donate money or whatever else we can do to aid those in Japan, we need to remember that today is all we’re guaranteed.  We need to think about how we want to feel when we put our heads on our pillows tonight.  I, for one, want to breathe a sigh of contentment, say a prayer of thanks for this day, for my life and how I’ve lived it.

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My dad is a recluse; and if it wasn’t for my brother, my sister-in-law, and I regularly cleaning up his place, they could use him in one of those hoarding shows on TV.  They would have to dig him out from under used paper towels and junk mail.  On my last trip, a good friend helped me rip up the carpeting at the house and put down area rugs and carpet tiles…a HUGE improvement!  While there, I remember thinking to myself (and possibly speaking the words out loud to someone) that I almost wished  something  would send Dad to the hospital so we could get into his bedroom (his one bastion that is always off limits to visitors) and get it cleaned out.

So, “Be careful what you wish for”!  Here I am back again, because Dad had an accident at home that sent him to the hospital.  Although I really wasn’t anticipating or wanting to come back this soon, I am overjoyed to have gotten that bedroom tackled.  Today we shop for a new bed and linens for Dad’s room; and when he returns from the hospital, there will be a wonderful transformation awaiting him!

But will he be happy and grateful for the effort and ultimate caring that has gone into this new, clean, and healthy environment?  Hell, no!!

What does all this have to do with the main thrust of my blog theme…Thrive to 105?  In a nutshell…my father is NOT thriving in his senior years.  He is a lonely, miserable, old “geezer” (as my kids affectionately call him); and it’s a very sad commentary on a life that could have been so different for the past 20 years.

My father was a highly intelligent man, a high school teacher of creative writing, English, and mass media, a writer of newspaper columns and a book of poetry, and a painter.  He was handsome and witty.  Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, self-serving, and depressive.  He retired at the age of 57 from teaching and for a while kept himself occupied volunteering as an ombudsman for a local nursing home, consulting for GM as a Spanish interpreter, and teaching Spanish in night classes.  Slowly, but surely, however, he started to change, becoming more and more agitated when around people and letting himself go in his personal hygiene.  Eventually, he began to drink every day, all through the day.  Which brings us to where he is today…that lonely, angry, and still self-serving old man.

When I consider my dad’s existence over the past 20 years, it is a wake-up call to me…and now to any of you reading this.  No doubt some are predisposed to depression and/or have long-standing personality traits that might be hard to change; but if you’re young enough and aware enough now to realize that those traits aren’t serving you at this point in your life, now is the time to make an effort to transform yourself!!  Do you have a vision of what you want the next 20, 30, or 40 years of your life to be like?  Does that vision include a never-ending chain of days spent alone and lonely, not caring for yourself or anyone else or do you want to live out your remaining years active, happy, and surrounded by the people you love and care for?

The choice really is yours and no one else’s.  There are so many resources available these days for helping with physical AND mental/emotional problems and challenges.  I read a great entry in my Science of Mind guide this morning that said,

“…if we learn to keep our thoughts fresh and young, and if we have a keen enthusiastic zest for living, we will never grow old.  Like the exuberant energy of spring, we can choose to imagine a continuously wonderful life.  Every season has its gifts.  With an open mind, anything is possible.”

THRIVE TO 105…sadly, my father is not doing that.  Although I didn’t need his example to motivate me, my trip here this time reinforces and soundly resonates through me the resolve I have to spend my next five decades in a much different way!  I hope you will do the same!!!

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In the initial days of living in my new, wonderful apartment, I opened a box of books to unpack. On the top of the pile was a book I don’t even remember buying. It’s title…Making Miracles: An Exploration Into the Dynamics of Self-Healing (How 11 incurable patients battled illness – and won). If that wasn’t a ‘sign’, I don’t know what is!  I immediately found time to read this book!

In this day and age with millions of people out of work and millions without health insurance (like me), our initial reaction when faced with health issues is that our options are very limited…go into deep debt or get sicker! But yesterday morning it occurred to me that this is one of the “whys” of my path right now…to learn about different options and to share them with others like me or others who know and love someone like me. Our bodies are miraculous in and of themselves, and we seem to forget that reality as we go through the motions of everyday living. But this book is inspiring and enlightening!

One of the most well-known subjects in the book is Norman Cousins, who was the Executive Editor of the Saturday Review and an advocate for world peace, as well as the healing powers of our bodies. He cured himself from a terminal illness through massive doses of Vitamin C and laughter, literally restricting himself to a hotel room where he watched funny TV shows and movies and had a nurse read humorous stories to him. Years later he also recovered from congestive heart failure and a heart attack without surgery.

Here is a quote from the Norman Cousins’ interview with the author (Dr. Paul C. Roud) of the Making of Miracles:

The doctors would call my absolute confidence denial, but it can be beneficial to deny, to defy the verdict you think is attached to the diagnosis. If you can recognize that the diagnosis is a challenge, not a verdict, and that there are resources to work with, and not all of them lie outside yourself, you can liberate the body from the complicating factors caused by fear. It seems to me that this frees the healing system – whatever that is – to assert itself and also creates an environment in which medical treatment can do its best.

I doubt there are many of us in this day and age who aren’t aware of the terrible toll that depression and stress can have on our physical well-being. Unfortunately, our health insurance and national healthcare systems aren’t helping the sick feel confident, calm, and upbeat. But maybe if more of us become educated in the option that moves us away from dependence on strict, scientific medical treatments, we can help ourselves!

Again, from Norman Cousins:

Panic, fear, and depression inhibit the ability of the body’s own apothecary to function properly.

Helplessness is a product of our education; we seem to be convinced that serious illness always proceeds in a straight line unless interrupted by some outside agencies. It’s a kind of education that prepares us for weakness rather than strength. We’re not educated in the essential robustness of the human body. Consequently, victory seems to be very elusive.

Personally, I refuse to feel helpless, fearful or depressed! I refuse to let victory elude me!

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I have to say, “Thank you, God, and thank you, John Freeborn, for bringing Linda into my life”!  When we first met, we talked easily for a couple hours; and before I left our first chat fest, Linda offered to do one of her treatments on me so I could experience what she wants others to know and learn through her practice, Wellness Without Walls.  The “treatment” was an amazing session, relaxing me more than I think I have ever been and putting me in touch with MY  mind/body/spirit connection, the significance of which I am just now beginning to see.

Most of us have likely heard or read the opinion that if you have three or four true friends in your life, you should consider yourself fortunate.  Well, I am more…much more…than fortunate.  I believe that the number of my true friendships is quite a bit higher than that; and now Linda is a most welcome addition.  Why have I been so blessed?  Perhaps it was all building up to this very impactful time in my life, because God knows I need them all very much right now.   True to form, they have not let me down; and for that I am tremendously grateful!

Friendship…another sign!  Value your friends; nurture those relationships!  There may come a time when they will help to save your life!

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It’s hard to know where to begin; when you start to recall the signs, more seem to take shape that you may not have recognized before.  Perhaps the first one was the restlessness I began to feel living in the home of a very dear friend (Irene).  At the time, the opportunity of moving in with her was a God send for both of us.  Not only did it benefit us both financially, but it also rewarded us with time together to nurture our friendship at a juncture in our lives when we both needed it.

But I began to find myself feeling claustrophobic in my living space, my personal piles of “stuff” stifling and stressful.  I also found myself getting short-tempered and upset by insignificant things, which is a problem for me; because I am usually hard pressed to express anger outwardly towards others (which will become a topic of interest in future blog posts).  For this reason, I decided it was time to begin searching for my own place to live, knowing that the time was right for both me and Irene.

I sent an email “blast” to my wonderful circle of friends (to which I referred in my last post), asking them to help me find a new home of my own.  Needless to say, they came through for me and (thanks to Mary Kay and Sherley) I am writing this blog post from my antique rocker in the living room of my terrific and therapeutic new apartment.

The call to a new living space of my own was the first “sign” of things to come for me…and soon for other important people in my life.   Are you paying attention to the “signs” presenting themselves to you?  Today…try and be open to what the universe may be telling you that could impact your life…something that could help you “thrive” to….!

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Day three in my new “home”...

Many boxes and containers have been emptied, which is always a little like opening presents. It’s fun to find things you forgot about, re-read notes stuffed inside a book or just find something that makes you wonder…”why the hell did I keep that”?

I’ve gotten tired easily these past couple of days. Today I started (and hope to continue) an improvement in my sleeping, eating, and exercising habits. It’s amazing what a little ‘wake-up call’ will do for your focus and discipline!

Not too long ago, I wrote an article about longevity and the importance of friendship. Well, if longevity were dependent on friends alone, I would live to be 150!! I have the most wonderful family and friends anyone could ever want. The great thing is that I always know they are there and can be counted on “through thick and thin”; but since my diagnosis on Thursday, everyone has rallied ’round me like covered wagons of old circling together to protect me. I don’t feel weak or discouraged, but their love buoys me up and is a safe haven where I can be myself and escape, if necessary.

Quite honestly, I still don’t feel as if this is happening to me… and miracles do happen, don’t they? Who’s to say it won’t disappear as stealthily as it appeared with enough positive, healthy energy directed at it? Truthfully, I’m just not owning it at this point. It’s like there’s something more to this whole scenario than I understand…the why…because there is a why, a reason, a lesson. I’ve always been a really good student, and this course I intend to pass with flying colors!

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Written on 1/15/10:

I fell in love today. No…unfortunately not with someone tall, dark, and handsome…but with my new apartment! It was pretty much love at first sight! As soon as we walked in with the first armloads of belongings, I felt at home!

My new home is spacious with high ceilings, a fireplace, terrific walk-in closet in the master bedroom, a laundry room with washer/dryer included, an inviting bathtub in the master bath, and much more! It made me so happy to have my family and a couple friends over to see it. Alissa, PJ, Bobby, Beth, Bayley, and Makayla were here. Jimmy Frain came by, as did Mary Kay. Pam was with me all afternoon helping pack up, organize, and unpack on this end. It was such fun sitting on the floor talking, eating, sharing stories, and laughing.

After everyone had gone, Pam and I drove to get my TV and DVR, as well as a few more odds and ends. By 1:00 a.m. I was all alone, and it felt so right to be here! I sat in my grandma’s antique rocker in my bedroom and felt at peace for the first time in a very, very long time.

Tomorrow I will get up to a glorious new day with more unpacking, moving, and organizing to do. But it makes me feel alive and free and is something wonderfully positive to focus on. Tomorrow will be my first full day of being on my own and the second full day of being aware of my cancer. I can honestly say that the joy of settling into my new place will far out shadow the apprehension of dealing with my health issue tomorrow. Since all I am really guaranteed is this moment, I am going to revel in it as I turn on soft music for unwinding, slip under the covers, and go to sleep looking forward to a bright tomorrow!

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It never occurred to me that on the 13th of January (my birth date is the 13th of November), the thing I’ve never done would be having a biopsy on a lump in my breast and that the following day I’d be told I have breast cancer.  NOT POSSIBLE!!!  That’s what I want to tell them.  It can’t happen to me!  I’m planning to Thrive to 105!  Somehow cancer isn’t synonymous with thriving!

So much for the power of positive thinking, I think to myself…and actually mumble to others who love me and are trying to comfort me.  I was so sure when they found the lump it would be nothing but a cyst.  Then I was so sure that when they did the biopsy, it would be a papilloma…benign.  Now I’m faced with the specter of a mutilated breast at best or at the worst case, a mastectomy!  How…why…did this happen to me?  No doubt that is what every woman thinks when given this diagnosis.

I’m not the most diligent, health-obsessed person running around St. Louis; but I’m far from being unhealthy!  I don’t smoke, rarely drink, eat mostly healthy (except for desserts), used to exercise (and I promised myself I’d get back to it in my new apartment complex).  So why…how?

Of course I now agonize over the fact that I missed one year of having my mammograms…2008.  Why did I miss that one year?  I really don’t have a good reason.  If I had gone, would they have found it sooner before it became “invasive”?  I guess it really doesn’t matter.  As Mom so accurately advised last night, I can’t worry about what’s past and I shouldn’t worry about what hasn’t happened yet that I don’t know will happen.  So whether or not the lump was there since 2008, it doesn’t matter.  What matters is taking care of it now!

I vacillate between feeling angry and aggressive about it….okay, let’s get this over and done with so I can move on with the next 50 years of my life…and feeling scared…of the unknown, of being weak, of the possibility of losing my breast.  Those who know me best know I have a quiet independence about me, and I’m generally far from weak.  I have my moments (and I definitely had a few last night), but overall a victim mentality and pessimism is not my style.

So today I start a new chapter in the next half century of my life!  Thankfully, I am moving into a new apartment today!  Thankfully, because it is something that will distract me from dwelling on something I can’t change right at this moment.  Thankfully, because it is something happy and new that will counter-balance the news I was delivered yesterday.

I still intend to Thrive to 105!!  I refuse to let a few rogue cells rob me of 50 more years of joy and laughter, family and friends, work and play, love and life!!

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I don’t want to just live to 105; I want to thrive to 105!  The chapter I read this morning from Discover Inner Peace talked about being in the moment.  There’s a lot written and spoken about that these days.  If you’re like me, I take it in “in the moment”, but don’t necessarily practice it routinely.  But as I read the book this morning it struck me that if I want to “thrive” to 105, maybe I need to be paying more attention to the moments and let them nourish me so I am some day a happy, healthy centenarian, not a tired, frail one starved by lack of attention to the moments of my life!

One of my intentions is to some day have my own home where I can have an office with a window looking out at trees.  I want to have a table or desk facing the window where I can write while watching the trees…the wind blowing the branches and leaves, the birds and squirrels singing their songs and playing tag along the limbs.  At this very moment, I’m sitting on my bed looking out my window; and directly on the other side of the glass is a huge evergreen standing guard over the front yard with ivy hugging its trunk.  The house belongs to my roommate, and I’m in my bedroom, not an office; but what a shame I’ve wasted so many days with my laptop on my lap facing the door rather than the window!  How much more satisfying and fulfilling the moments are this morning writing with a simple change in direction.  Had I been paying more attention to the experience of the moments that made up my writing time, maybe I would have turned around more often, remembering how much more special the moments feel facing this great tree!

But maybe that’s part of the challenge, as well, especially as we get older.  We don’t always remember the moments once they’ve passed.  All the more reason, I guess, to savor the moments; because we can’t find solace in them once they’re gone, if we can’t remember them!  Oh, dear…that distresses me a little.  I can buy into cherishing the moments and not being distracted by what hasn’t happened yet or the boo-boo you made yesterday, but what about those great moments you just relished…what if you want to get them back…remember them again?

Maybe that’s why I’m a “hoarder” of sorts when it comes to memorabilia.  Rubbermaid stock has surely risen just from my purchases alone, filling containers of many hues with letters, pictures, programs, journals, and other trinkets that have constituted the moments of my life.  I was discussing this “habit” with a couple dear friends yesterday (Irene and Sharon).  How do you let go of this “stuff”?!  With a memory like mine (which wasn’t all that great even when I was younger…unless I was memorizing song lyrics), most of the moments preserved in those tubs would have been long gone.  Why else do we take a photograph…a moment captured in time?  So we don’t forget; so if we’re not totally in that moment or if we have crappy memories, we won’t feel as though we’ve lived our lives in a vacuum with nothing to show for the years that have slipped by too quickly.

Even though it doesn’t happen often, when I take a moment to pull a few things out and reminisce, I’m reminded why I keep the tubs full.  Nobody else will probably care what’s in them once I’m gone.  My kids don’t even seem that interested in the ones I filled for them with the moments of their young lives…the crafts and cards and school successes.  They’ll probably open them up one day and say, “What in the world was she thinking?”…although they probably won’t use the phrase, “what in the world”, if you know what I mean.  Maybe my granddaughters will care, just as I’m attached to moments saved from my grandmother’s life.  Honestly, I hope someone thinks it’s a little bit of a hoot some day to open the containers and spend moments they can get lost in learning about my special moments.  While I believe trying to actually live and be in the moment IS so important, being able to retrieve them…to me…is a strong second!

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We all called him “Farmer”, (except for Annie, who called him “Paw”), although he didn’t make his living as a farmer.  He sported a handlebar moustache that curled at the ends, wore a cowboy hat and boots, and had the most wonderful tenor voice…one that I’ve heard in my right ear while standing on the risers for more than 35 years.

He was down to earth, straightforward, and lovable.  He showed me how to do the 2-step at an alumni party one year… patient, kind, and lots of fun!  Although we lived several hundred miles away and only saw one another once a year, I knew had I ever needed him, he wouldn’t have hesitated a moment to be there for me.

When he sang, he gave it his all and could carry many of his fellow tenors along with him…not to mention sharing notes with the second soprano to his left (ME) every so often.  I refused to be moved no matter what Mr. C (our director) desired, so that after the years went on, he stopped trying.  We were a pair…a matched set…like a broken in pair of slippers that was comfortable and familiar.  I loved hearing him sing; I loved having him there sharing the music with me; I loved Tom Welcher, my friend.

As I say those words, it’s the first time I’ve had tears come to my eyes.  Maybe it’s because it’s just now starting to sink in that he’s gone.  How can it be?  I didn’t even know he had a heart problem!  How can it be?  In our minds and hearts every year when we all walk up to the risers to sing, we’re all still 18, 19, 20…even though we look at one another and know we’re really 45, 55, 65.  How can it be?  I didn’t get to say good-bye one more time…let him know how much his friendship has meant to me all these years…how much I’ve loved hearing his voice in my ear!

If I’d had the chance, I would have sung these words to him…we all would have sung these words to him:

Au revoir, au revoir

Time to part ’til we meet another day

Curtains rise, curtains fall; and today ends like any other day

Time to go, though we know, there are so many things we ought to say

But it’s done, come what may

Maybe one wonderful day, we’ll meet again

Until then….Au revoir

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