They say, “Be careful what you wish for”!
It’s 4:43 a.m., and I’m once again in East Aurora, New York. I was just here for 13 days exactly four weeks ago to give my brother a vacation from care giving for our father and do some much-needed work on my dad’s house.
My dad is a recluse; and if it wasn’t for my brother, my sister-in-law, and I regularly cleaning up his place, they could use him in one of those hoarding shows on TV. They would have to dig him out from under used paper towels and junk mail. On my last trip, a good friend helped me rip up the carpeting at the house and put down area rugs and carpet tiles…a HUGE improvement! While there, I remember thinking to myself (and possibly speaking the words out loud to someone) that I almost wished something would send Dad to the hospital so we could get into his bedroom (his one bastion that is always off limits to visitors) and get it cleaned out.
So, “Be careful what you wish for”! Here I am back again, because Dad had an accident at home that sent him to the hospital. Although I really wasn’t anticipating or wanting to come back this soon, I am overjoyed to have gotten that bedroom tackled. Today we shop for a new bed and linens for Dad’s room; and when he returns from the hospital, there will be a wonderful transformation awaiting him!
But will he be happy and grateful for the effort and ultimate caring that has gone into this new, clean, and healthy environment? Hell, no!!
What does all this have to do with the main thrust of my blog theme…Thrive to 105? In a nutshell…my father is NOT thriving in his senior years. He is a lonely, miserable, old “geezer” (as my kids affectionately call him); and it’s a very sad commentary on a life that could have been so different for the past 20 years.
My father was a highly intelligent man, a high school teacher of creative writing, English, and mass media, a writer of newspaper columns and a book of poetry, and a painter. He was handsome and witty. Unfortunately, he was also manipulative, self-serving, and depressive. He retired at the age of 57 from teaching and for a while kept himself occupied volunteering as an ombudsman for a local nursing home, consulting for GM as a Spanish interpreter, and teaching Spanish in night classes. Slowly, but surely, however, he started to change, becoming more and more agitated when around people and letting himself go in his personal hygiene. Eventually, he began to drink every day, all through the day. Which brings us to where he is today…that lonely, angry, and still self-serving old man.
When I consider my dad’s existence over the past 20 years, it is a wake-up call to me…and now to any of you reading this. No doubt some are predisposed to depression and/or have long-standing personality traits that might be hard to change; but if you’re young enough and aware enough now to realize that those traits aren’t serving you at this point in your life, now is the time to make an effort to transform yourself!! Do you have a vision of what you want the next 20, 30, or 40 years of your life to be like? Does that vision include a never-ending chain of days spent alone and lonely, not caring for yourself or anyone else or do you want to live out your remaining years active, happy, and surrounded by the people you love and care for?
The choice really is yours and no one else’s. There are so many resources available these days for helping with physical AND mental/emotional problems and challenges. I read a great entry in my Science of Mind guide this morning that said,
“…if we learn to keep our thoughts fresh and young, and if we have a keen enthusiastic zest for living, we will never grow old. Like the exuberant energy of spring, we can choose to imagine a continuously wonderful life. Every season has its gifts. With an open mind, anything is possible.”
THRIVE TO 105…sadly, my father is not doing that. Although I didn’t need his example to motivate me, my trip here this time reinforces and soundly resonates through me the resolve I have to spend my next five decades in a much different way! I hope you will do the same!!!
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We’ve known each other fo 30 years now KG….and, you’ve never been more “right on” than with your comments in this blog. Yes, you father’s life has gone down a sad and lonely road, and although he is loved by his family he has chosen to go the route of a recluse from the good life. You are there doing the right thing for your Dad in an effort to make his life more enjoyable for him. You have been an inspiration to me KG in how you are managing your healing, how you deal with the full plate in front of you and how you look at your life as a statement of “I can do it”….Keep writing…keep healing….keeping living full and happy for the next 50 years!
Karen: I couldn`t agree more with Jim. Your blog really touched me and made me sad that your dad has basically pissed away what should be some of the best years of his life. I honor you for your love for your father, even if he can be a royal jerk to you and your brother. You have more patience and compassion than I probably would have. (I know sometimes you`d like to kick him in the butt though!!!!) Thank you for reminding me to live EACH day to the fullest !!!!!
Thanks, Rick, for your comments. I’m leaving to come home today with my dad in rehab. The house is 100% better than it was 6 weeks ago; and whether he appreciates it or not, I have to feel good about what a great job we’ve done to help him live out his remaining years in a better way. I’m glad you feel inspired to “carpe diem”!